Day 30 - Letting Go

Today's challenge is to react to this term "Letting Go"...

I'm letting go of being stubborn when the situation doesn't merit it.

I'm letting go of control over my life (an ongoing process mind you).

I'm wish to let go of comfort.

I'm letting go of the idea that teaching is the only thing I'm "qualified" to do in life.

I'm letting go.

Tell me what you think this following "speech" has to do with Letting Go.


The Fellowship of the Unashamed
by Dr. Bob Moorehead

I am part of the “Fellowship of the Unashamed.”
The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line.
The decision has been made. I am a disciple of
Jesus Christ. I won’t look back, let up, slow down,
back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present
makes sense, and my future is secure.

I am finished and done with low living, sight walking,
small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams,
chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position,
promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I now live by
presence, lean by faith, love by patience,
lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my
road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few,
my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought,
compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back,
diluted, or delayed.

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the
presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy,
ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander
in the maze of mediocrity.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until
Heaven returns, give until I drop, preach until all know,
and work until He comes. And when He comes to get
His own, He will have no problem recognizing me.
My colors will be clear.

I am not ashamed of the gospel . . . Romans 1:16

My Jams - a day late

1. Poison and Wine

2. Everybody (Backstreet's Back)

3. Where You Are

4. How He Loves

5. Blessed Be Your Name

Details later :)  Enjoy

Day 28 - Only Pictures, if you want explanations - ask :)

Day 27 - Dear Readers

Thanks for sticking around thus far.  I hope you like what you're reading and that you'll keep reading...I hope you find some encouragement and laughter among the words.  I also hope that you experience vulnerability and humility from me as your writer. 

:)

Memorial Day Weekend Preview

Hubby and I are going out of town this weekend for an early anniversary getaway and I don't plan on turning my phone on for anything except a GPS and I certainly don't plan on bringing my computer.  So, since I'm feeling crummy and stayed home from my sub job today, I'll do my weekend posts early...all together now:

Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits

Day 25, Saturday: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)

Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you'd like.

Friday: My top 3 worst traits.  Hmm, it depends on the day :)  I think I'd have to say my pride, my desire to control, and my inability to handle/express my emotions in always healthy/positive ways.  

There is a lot of detail crawling behind each of those.  Since I'm kind of in a fog right now...I'll just let them sit there.  

Saturday: I'll never, ever forget my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Ophelia Wright, telling me what I was a great writer.  I'd written a story about a white kitten for fun and brought it to her to read.  She loved it.  I think I still have that story somewhere.  Anyway...I'll never forget her telling me that because it made me feel so good :)  Warm fuzzies!

Sunday: We Are Far Too Easily Pleased

Let me know your thoughts on this.

Ketchup Anyone?

Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

Day 21, Tuesday: A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives

Day 22, Wednesday: Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off)

Day 23, Thursday: Things you've learned that school won't teach you

I'm a smidge behind.  I did Monday's blog but not really.  I don't intend on elaborating here.

To be honest, Tuesday: I'm so new to blogging that you can find my archives easily and read through my entire list of posts in under an hour...so I'll let you figure that one out...I don't feel I have blogged enough to have 5 fav posts.  Most of them would probably be recent ones anyway and that would make for boring reading on your part.

Wednesday: A rant...I don't feel like ranting but I'll at least list it out.  All you teachers out there can agree with this one...I can't stand parents that simply don't care enough to do what is best by their children...now this imply's that I know what is best for each and every student I've ever had - and that I know even better than their parents...with all of my parenting wisdom - HA!  Some of my "knowledge" I'm sure is legit.  But it is quite prideful of me to think that I know better.  Anyway, that is my little soapbox for the moment.  Parents that make what appear to be illogical decisions regarding their children.  

Thursday: There are a lot of these.  School never taught me anything about how to be married.  School never taught me anything about dying to self and living my life for the Lord.  School didn't even really teach me how to study well.  Those are just a few of the things I didn't learn at school.

Strugglin'?

I have to say, other than feeling a tad rejected at not getting a teaching job; I'm not really struggling with anything "right now"...details later.

Day 18/19 Childhood Memory and My Fav Blogs

One of my favorite childhood memories is from when I was around 6.  It was Christmas and this Christmas was one of the few where we actually had snow over the Christmas holiday.  My dad surprised my sister and I with one of the most fun gifts we'd ever received (and have received since).  He took us outside in our pjs and coats to reveal a GO CART!  It had an awesome orange flag sticking up from the back.  Space for 2, with a seatbelt.  Gas pedal and brakes, plus a kill switch on the wheel.  Painted red.  This baby could fly as we were about to find out. 

My dad had purchased it from a friend at work who had 2 sons in their tween years and couldn't fit into it anymore.  I'm sure my mom was stoked about putting her 4 and 6 year old in charge of a moving vehicle.  Nonetheless, my dad had fixed the motor so that it would not go over a certain speed since I'm also sure that 12 year old boys would want to go faster than me at age 6. 

We squealed with delight when we saw it and immediately wanted to drive it.  Dad would only let me drive to start with...sissy had to wait til she was older I think.  He taught me about the gas and brakes and made sure I understood what the kill switch was for.  He taught me quickly about turning left and right...basically a 5 minute driver's ed lesson...man was I prepared for Coach Wall when I was 15 :).  I was ready.  PJs, coat, orange flag...and a need for speed! 

The first test run was on the driveway...which is 75 ft long.  Dad cranks it like you would a push mower or a bushwhacker thing.  I hit the gas.  Mom is inside probably about to have a coronary.  Sissy is watching from the garage.  My dad says, "Ok, slowly hit the gas."  I hit it a little harder than "slowly" and I think I accidentally hit the kill switch 3 seconds later.  Or something.  All I remember of what was next was dad saying I'd need more room than just this driveway.  So he wheels it 'round back where we had 2 more acres to play in the snow.

I get all buckled in again with the wide open range ahead of me (at least that is what it felt like), he cranks 'er up and goes, "Hit it!"  VROOM!  My steering wheel was cocked to the left enough that I did about 3 doughnuts in the snow before straightening things out and zooming into my neighbors yard! The best part is that dad caught all of this on the camcorder and he starts saying, "Shanda?  Shanda?  SHANDAAAA HIT THE SWITCH!"  I guess he didn't want me plowing into the woods on the opposite side of their yard.  I also think he realized that he'd have to kick down the speed of this engine even more...because he clocked me at about 20 mph I think :)  Did you hear me say I was six?  I should've been a race car driver!

(Some of) My Fav Blogs

Oh Sweet Joy Kim is a doll.  She makes beautiful things, has a sweet new baby, is super fashionable, and a strong believer.  I love following her even though she has no clue who I am:)

The Anderson Crew I really enjoy reading about this family of six kids :)  Emily is another strong woman of faith that I look up to and I love reading about parenting, crafts, adoption, faith, and marriage via her blog.

It's Marvelous This is a girl I actually know, Page.  We were in the same Bible Study in college for all four years and I adore her.  I've enjoyed following where God has led her family and I'm also gathering great parenting tips for that one day someday when I'm a momma too. 

Rooted This is my hubby.  I came up with his blog title :)  He's amazing.  A super wonderful, introspective writer, and a mechanical engineer who plays piano to wind down after work.  Man, God sure did bless this gal. 

Jen Hatmaker I heard her speak recently at Cedar Springs Church here in Knoxville on a book she wrote about getting rid of "excess" in her life.  She's another powerhouse of a mom and has Jesus in her heart.  I loved listening to her talk about excess and how her family battled it.  Her blog is just as inspiring.

A Favorite Pic of Me

I love this first pic for a lot of reasons.  One, it was taken at the Old Well on UNC's campus and as an alum what is not to love about that?  I also wanted Carolina Blue and White balloons because I wanted a playful feel in some of my bridals.  I love this shot Dajuan Jones (amazing Raleigh/Durham photographer - and he's a Christian too if you want to support a fellow brother in the faith) captured of me laughing.  I think it speaks to how much joy I desire to find in life.  Plus I was just a few months away from marrying my best friend.  And I LOVED my dress.  This pic is def a major fav.

So I'm only supposed to select one, but I also wanted to highlight the amazing skill of Dajuan Jones.

Um, I die.  I mean, this photo captures elegance, which is another quality I desired to exhibit on our wedding day.  And it's a quality I desire to exhibit in life too.  So I know I broke the "one pic" rule but I loved this bridal shoot.  Picking one is too hard.  One of the last two (I think the b/w one), Dajuan blew up huge to put in his studio - I was so honored to have been selected for a display :)

My Lot In Life...and Overcoming It

I have to pack for a weekend away for a very special wedding in NC and I'm also exhausted from a long day...so this will be short.

My current "lot": being far from my NC friends

How I'm overcoming it: trying to make some new Knoxville friends :); talking to my old friends; skype/FaceTime; texts and emails; phone calls; patience; prayer; time with hubby and my kitties; serving in the community; working on seeing Christ as my friend and finding peace in that.

I really want to delve more deeply into this but don't have the emotional energy to do so right now. 

As previously stated, I'll be out of town for the weekend and my daily challenge might have to take a short break. 

On that note, goodnight world.

A (yester)Day in the Life of...ME

BSB morning commute

Lots of horsie farms on the way to work

Teacher Appreciation Lunch :)

What I come home to after work:)

Funny Bunny!

Some down time playing a new game.

Grocery list additions

This was dinner; is it obvious that I need to go to the store?

They wanted dinner too. 

He even did tricks to try and get fed sooner.

I did some more crocheting in the sun!

Lots of job applying going on here.

Not even up to date, but a very full month of May.

This pic reminds me that I saw a momma duck and her ducklings on 40 W yesterday!

Hubby is so sweet.

We hydrate in my house, a lot.

This isn't a typical day in my life.  It's a rare occurrence that the Rush and I have a date.

Evening playtime before bed.  He made that hole by the way. 

So he could do stuff like this while lying in the house.  And so he could escape and sneak attack Cassie when she's not looking.

And that was my Wednesday. 

My Kind of Happy

Ten things that make me happy, in no particular order:

1. finishing a project

2. my hubby

3. watching my cats play

4. good memories

5. ice cream/sherbert/sorbet/frozen yogurt (I think I covered all categories there)

6. a warm day full of sunshine

7. a card/letter in the mail

8. reading at the beach

9. bright colors

10. getting a really good deal on something I'm buying

What makes you happy?

An Apology - Day 13

I'm sorry for wearing my emotions on my sleeves.  For being overly sensitive.  For being so transparent and honest that it makes others feel uncomfortable - especially if they don't know me that well. 

What I Miss

Today's challenge is to write about something or someone that I miss.  There are a lot of things I could discuss here.  Like UNC, great vacations, family members, friends, former coworkers and students, etc etc.  For this post though, even though it's Mother's Day (shout out to my momma!), I'm going to write about some other special women in my life. 

CBSP LADIES OF 2007!

I went on a Summer Project with Campus Crusade for Christ (now called CRU) the summer between my junior and senior year at UNC.  A stateside Summer Project is focused on growing in your own personal relationship with Christ and ministering to your coworkers on your summer job.  I can imagine what some of my supporters must have thought when they read my support letter and found out I was doing a mission trip in Clearwater Beach, FL!!!!  Yes, even people getting a tan need Jesus.  

This was probably the best summer of my life.  I met 30 amazing guys and gals from colleges like UK, EKU, Purdue, Indiana, UNC (new Tarheel friends!), NC State (yes, cool people go to school there too), ASU, Arkansas, UNCG, and on and on.  We became like a family to each other.  Especially the ladies :)  We would stay up late all the time, laughing, loving on each other, praying for each other, sharing stories about our lives away from CBSP...sharing our struggles as we tried to walk out our faith.  It was amazing how God used each of us in all of our lives.  I think we all grew so much that summer, I know I did.  

As time has passed (almost 6 years ago that we all met for the first time), we've moved away from our college towns (some farther away than others - Ashley!), some of us have gotten married (or are about to get married - Becca!), some continued with schooling to be oober smart (Stephanie!), some of us have remained just as close as ever (Laura/Lindsay! and others), while some of us have drifted apart...nevertheless, I know that without a shadow of any doubt...if you were to put all of us back in a room with each other...it would be as if we'd never left Clearwater at all.  I just know it.  

I miss these ladies like crazy.  When I see them again, it's like looking at a slice of Heaven.  Seriously.  I think all of us felt like we were living in Heaven on earth for those 11 weeks that summer.  It was one of the most amazing spiritual experiences I've ever had.  So this post goes out to my girls:)  

You're a waterfall, washing over me...sing it ladies...all that I want is to be...WHERE YOU ARE!

 Back row from L to R: Ashley, Heather, Sara, Me, Laura, Christy, Amity, April, Kristen

Front row from L to R: Lindsay, Kaitlin, Stephanie, Whitney, Becca, Emily

I love you all and miss you ALL the time!

10 or less...

I am an outgoing, compassionate, organized, encouraging daughter of Christ! 

Middle School = Embarrassment

I lived in a constant state of embarrassment my seventh grade year.  My elementary school (Monroeton=best school ever) of only 300 people ended in sixth grade and we all had to go to Bethany for our 7th and 8th grade year (except that we didn't go there for 8th grade because a brand new middle school opened up but I'm getting on a rabbit trail here).  Bethany was a K-8 school and had over 900 students.  All of my friends became cheerleaders...I didn't.  All of my former friends somehow seemed to grow out of Limited Too (now called Justice) clothes over the summer...I didn't.  Apparently all of my friends got to shave their legs over the summer...I didn't.  And it seemed that all of my friends' eyes remained perfectly 20/20...mine didn't, so I got glasses; had fuzzy legs, was really tall and still under 100lbs., with clothes that were no longer "cool" or were high-waters and way too big in the waste aka. nothing fit.  And I was at a new school.  And all of my former friends quit talking to me.  And no matter what I did to try and fit in, nothing worked.  I had one friend that I can claim was a TRUE friend through that year (she knows who she is-thanks girl!).  People never called me on the phone.  No one wanted to sit with me at lunch.  I got laughed at a lot.  I gave Christmas presents to all the girls I hoped to be friends with, and got no gifts in return.  I invited 30 kids to my 13th birthday party, I think only 3 came.  I tried to play as many sports as possible to fit in somewhere.  And this is where one of the more mortifying moments of middle school happened. 

Basketball.  First of all let me be quite clear.  I said I joined a lot of sports teams.  I never said I was good at any of the sports I played.  I remained third string on each team.  When I did play, I was clumsy, slower than others, and a stick...I couldn't muscle my way around a flag pole if I'd wanted to.  Shockingly enough, my coach put me in for a game in the middle of January...a month before my 13th birthday. 

Why is that significant?

Because the weekend right before this game, I'd convinced my mom to let me shave my legs a month before my birthday (as you might have figured out by now, she was making me wait until I was 13).  This was going to be my legs first exposure to the world (since birth) with no hair!  I was so excited :)

Until coach put me in.  And I was walking up to half court to wait my turn to enter the game, I heard the whispers.  About my legs.  And when I started playing the game, while I'm trying to play a little defense, one of the players on my team, who is on the bench, yells out in a really loud sarcastic tone, "Shanda, did you SHAVE your LEGS??!!!"  I swear the whole team heard it.  Mortification alert. 

I still remember the girl that said that to me.  She probably has no idea how that one moment affected me. 

This was not the only moment of complete embarrassment, there was another that I refuse to blog about because of it's content. 

Not many people know this, but my seventh grade year, I contemplated suicide...a lot.  It was a really challenging time for me.  I remember coming home from school and hiding under my bed and crying until I had to come out because someone was looking for me.  I remember my younger sister's social life taking off and how she got phone calls every day from girlfriends and had sleepovers all the time.  It took a long time for my self esteem to recover from this one year. 

Middle school sucks y'all.  I know I'm not the only one with a crappy memory of it.  I KNOW I'm not.  And it's no better now than when I was there.  In fact, it's probably worse. 

Now, enough with all the drama.  I recovered.  I got contacts.  I eventually gained weight and my friends stopped teasing me about being anorexic.  (No joke, a friend in high school asked me if I was.  I never was anorexic, and it's a very serious matter to never joke about and I was very angry she'd even asked me.) I got newer clothes (from thrift stores - but new to me!), and I eventually made some good friends. 

I'm glad it was only 180 days of my life, that stinkin' seventh grade year.  And I'm glad I made it out alive and live to tell about it.  I'm glad for a lot of things that came after that year...like how I grew to love myself for who I really am.  :)

 

A Moment From Today

That moment when you pass a dump truck leaking disgusting liquid while it's driving down the road and realize that is how you feel right now...overwhelmed, overflowing, overbooked, just over.




I need a vacation. 

Fear and Advice...Days 7 & 8

So Mondays and Tuesdays are my busiest days...sorry for my lack of posting yesterday. 

What I'm Most Afraid of is Day 7:

I thought about this during my drive to school this morning.  I couldn't think of anything really "legit".  I mean sure, I thought of things like ants, spiders, snakes, the dark, heights, scary movies, thunder...but I had a hard time substantiating anything into a "huge fear" of mine.  Until right now, when I remembered the root or deeper issue to why I fear those things in the first place. 

I am most afraid of not being in control.  Now, the irony is, that as a Christ-follower, I know I never had any sense of control in the first place.  Only God is control.  But as a sinner, I crave control.  That was the very first sin ever committed.  If you read back in Genesis 2 you'll read a story of a perfect place called Eden, where God dwelt with Adam and Eve and all of His Creation.  Everything was good.  One day, Satan, in the form of a serpent has a game-changing conversation with Eve.  He talks to her about the Tree of Good and Evil.  Read their conversation here from Genesis 3:1-6:

3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

² The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”
⁴ “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
⁶ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.
There are probably a million things going through Eve's mind during this conversation but I can about guarantee you that one of this is something like this..."You mean God is holding out on me?  He knows more than I do?  I want to know as much as God does!  It's not fair that He gets to know everything!"  Ladies and gentlemen, this is a cry for control.  "I want to be in control and know it all.  I want to be in control of what I know and what I don't know, secrets are not okay with me!  God doesn't have the right to keep stuff from Adam and me!"  Control.  The need to be in control.  The desire to have control.  The, "I'll do whatever it takes to gain more control" kind of mentality.  We've all felt it at some point.  We hate feeling out of control.  Who ever has told you when asked, How's your day going? replied, "It's spinning out of control and I'm loving every second of it!"  Who says that?  Not I.  And not Eve either.

Eve's desire to take control out of the hands of God and into her hands was the first sin.  And ever since then, as children of Adam and Eve, (women in particiular) strive to have control over things and people. 

Fighting against that is a battle of the heart and mind and soul.  A battle against my sinful nature, ingrained in me since birth; and a battle against the fear of not having control.

A Piece of Advice for Others is Day 8:

Don't eat yellow snow.

No, seriously. 



Okay, but on a much more serious note...this is the best advice I've ever received, thanks Erin Coomer for speaking this Truth into my life that one afternoon at Panera, my junior year at UNC.  I'll never forget it.  I'll never stop thanking you for it either.

Cease striving.  He IS God.

(Psalm 46:10 - paraphrase mine)

I'm happy to elaborate further on the meaning of this verse if you'd like.  Please feel free to ask.  But honestly...it is most impactful standing on its own.

What I "Do"...

I seek to glorify The Lord through loving my husband, serving others in my community, and playing with special needs preschoolers. And by being a friend who is present, a neighbor who is cheerful, a sister who cares, and a daughter that shares. No that wasn't supposed to rhyme.

Day 5: Write About a Friend

Since I'm pretty new to the whole blogging thing, I don't exactly have many (if any) "blogger friends".  I have friends and family who might read it every now and then but that might be about as far as I'm reaching right now.  I'm okay with that.  So instead, I'm going to talk about some real people friends :)  Again, just as with yesterday's post, picking only one friend to talk about would be way too hard.  But alas...I took this challenge and I'm committed to sticking with it.  Ergo, please don't let this hurt your feelings if you weren't selected...I'm just following the rules people.

Lauren

Lauren and I became friends our freshman year of college at UNC.  We were in the same Bible Study in our freshman dorm - Craige.  There were probably 20 or more girls in that Bible Study that year.  Needless to say, we didn't get to know each other super well...until next year.  We were living in the same dorm again, this time Ehaus, and had attended the same service at The Summit on Sunday morning.  Lauren had ridden with some other friends to church and I had driven myself...and for some reason that I can't remember, her ride wasn't returning to campus right away and I was asked to drive her back.  Or something sort of along those lines.  The details of this part of the story don't really matter.  What does matter is that I took a wrong turn onto the highway to get back to campus and we ended up stuck in a MAJOR traffic jam, going east instead of west, on the part of I-40 where there are no exits for about 10+ miles...and we didn't know each other super well, except for attending the same Bible Study.  If I remember correctly, it took over 45 minutes to an hour before we were even able to exit and get back on 40 going west towards campus.  That's some bonding time right there people.  I'm so thankful her ride couldn't take her home that day.  She and I became VERY close after that, spending a lot of time together.  Even now, 5 years after college graduation, she and I talk AT LEAST once a week on the phone.  We are each others accountability partners, prayer warriors, and confidants.  I love her like crazy.  It's been well over a year since we've seen each other, maybe even two years...and I still feel as close to her now as I did when she was living 3 floors above me in Ehaus. 

 Our friendship has had its fair share of ups and downs, distance, silent seasons, estranged moments, etc.  We've seen each other through some pretty hard stuff, spiritually, emotionally, mentally...but despite all of that, I can still count on her and she can count on me.  We've also shared laughs, wonderful memories, good food, and so much more.  I never had the privilege of living with her (though God may have known what He was doing there - sparing us from pending doom) but we always knew the shortest and fastest way to get to each other in a moment's notice.  I cherish her, admire her, and love her like crazy.  One of the most awesome things about our friendship is knowing that we'll be spending eternity rejoicing over our Savior together.  That my friends, is the most beautiful thing of all.

Cheers!